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| So, as my chem paper degrades into blather, the topic of schedule comes to mind. Not senior schedule; who cares what classes I'll be in when I only have to take 180 days out of my life to care about this schedule?
The real schedule, the one that I've come to resent, involves a summer that is busier than my school year.
I refuse to go into many more details, because whining about being busy does not feel half as good as canceling appointments. Dropping activities bad. Canceling appointments good.
Although, really, if I cut down on activities I'd have more time for appointments.
I'll just cut this debate short and go to bed.
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| w00t do i love both my horoscopes today or WHAT? Love = agree with/ find agreeable enough 
1. Your emotions are triggered by the strangest things now and the uncomfortable part of it is that it might feel out of your control. This is not all bad news, for sometimes you are so careful that you place unnecessary limits upon yourself. Don't try to hold yourself back; let your fantasies flow and take advantage of whatever inspires you.
2. Look at you - you can't wipe that smile off your face! You've got a fun little secret that you're enjoying not sharing with the rest of the world.
[oh yeah, my mood is resistant to like.. everything, including lousy tips, summer school, chem initiatives, lack of sleep. anyway i have no big secret, but i'm totally feelin the SMILE!!! gosh how fruity, okay done ranting, no more.]
being awake early is actually quite relaxing.
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| Originally, I was going to name this entry after the line from Maroon 5's "Makes Me Wonder": give me something to believe in. But I already know what I believe in... and besides, the grammatical error entices my hibernating nerd to pick up a red correcting pen. Along those same lines, the title should say "Give me something for which to come home". Proper English, however, is unsettling; at least that's what I gathered from proofreading certain unmentioned classmates' papers all those years.
That's how desperate I am -- I'm ironing out syntax in my blogs.
They say you can't choose your family.
Well, that sucks. With a family like mine, it would've been nice to be able to choose a second family too.
They sort of made me like our current ones. Okay, that's all good. We have relatives. We have Filipinos who are almost-relatives.
Why don't I try hanging out with people who aren't forced on me based on how much my parents like them, or the activities we both happen to be "enjoying"?
...Are you really asking me that question? Because I've tried. It's all I really wanted this summer. (It's not the only limitation, either. There are many more problems with what they consider social interaction).
That is my definition of pure enjoyment. Not going to summer school and waiting to see friends there during the fleeting 5-min breaks (though my BFF is doing summer school, thankfully), not having to "bond" with a basketball team, not making fake friends like we did during bball camp (which I only attended for the bball, not the people, though nobody knows that), not enduring the awkward silences because ...
...once you cover all the artificial topics (long after exhausting the topic of your mutual activity, like basketball or violin or history or anything competitive), you really don't feel like talking anymore.
Not that you felt like it in the first place.
It only seems like you have to. Because you're both there.
You won't become best buds on the bench (or in the 3rd row of the classroom, or the front of the orchestra, or after a good draw during Chess Club, or while dismantling a computer together). Work is work. Resumes are resumes. College apps and Generation X stress are really to blame for all of this.
But if I hadn't been involved in the retirement/packing facilitation, the job, the two bball deals, the choir, the various activities that are all EXTRACURRICULAR ADVANCERS and all probably made my parents giddy with happiness that their daughter was such a responsible (sometimes), overachieving DORK...
if I hadn't done all that, if I'd had
There we go. I brainstormed enough material for a page (or three) of my English essay for the summer. Hah. And they say I'm not productive, and that Xanga is a waste of time. And that I don't deserve to go anywhere for fun. The question is not whether I deserve it or not, but whether I actually have opportunities to claim this privilege.
Maybe it's time to cut back. Or assert myself.
It's getting worse. Thinking back on today, the only thing I can remember about our second family who visited is that I was pissed off at my friend for not folding my work uniform after she looked at it. They're good in small doses, but ... I guess I end up resenting everybody I have to live with (or practically live with).
Can't we alllll just get aloooooong
what an incoherent way to end such a passionate, expressive, clear entry. Up until I burst into song (by typing  ) I had been quite definitive and driven.
Now I'm tired.
In conclusion...
unfair. AND oblivious.
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| ^ that's my new book, coming out this fall.
Yeah, jk.
I need a job. But the underlying message is that I need to get out of here, and not with my family, and not for a basketball game, and not to a musicfest (which was quite emotional but still and thus not what I really needed). You can never have too much quiet in the summer. So many sunrises and sunsets to watch, so little time. A job won't be any less hectic, I guess, but it'll be something fresh, at least for a couple of weeks. Change is good. Maybe I'll even do some reading for fun. o.O ahhahaha right. Maybe not too much change.
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| Okay. Being a junior. Almost done. I get my brain and my life back in [not enough] days. Here's to summer; may I be rolling in dough by the end of it.
Nah, I actually want something more intangible out of summer. Learning experiences ftw. And if I ever see anybody from school (hah, it would only be because of summer school, I'm sure -- that much has stayed the same since freshman year) I will probably be a lot less inexplicably sad/cranky about the end of the school year.
Psh then again I've gotten used to brooding and yelling to let out anger. Blogging hasn't been my strong point lately, and AIM only happens when it can.
So what has happened this year? Physics happened. History happened. In all other areas, non-academic included, great things happened.
Singledom happened. Realization that I don't really embrace singledom...still hasn't happened, but come summer when I'm caged in family activities or work all day I'm sure that will happen too. Posting up and driving...definitely happened, and you bet I'm proud of it. JDay tourney didn't happen, at least for me, but I followed a couple of fun teams throughout the brackets. Watching wasn't as great as playing, especially since JDay took up a whole week of what would've been open gym time.
Oh yeah. Open gym, for the last three weeks, did not happen, and it won't happen for the rest of the year now that the boys' teams have started practicing for summer league. If I could join the practices (wow, just the thought makes me rofl)...
But FABA spring/summer playoffs? Wow, will that happen or WHAT. We're a favorite, and this time all our starters are actually gonna be at the game. I won't mind riding the bench for this one.
Supposed to happen (I guess this is a Looking Forward To list):
tutoring, internship, playing at more Sunday masses and almost all the Saturday masses, Lamb Jam 6/22, leaving for Texas hopefully, July 4th chillin and grillin in Eastern VA, more time for baking, Guitar Hero, guitar, summer school (it's pathetic that I'm looking forward to this, esp since there aren't many juniors taking SS), FBA Labor Day Weekend tourney (not really looking forward to the practices this summer, but the main event is always a blast)
so, to sum it up...
w00t
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